As some of you have guessed, we finally made the decision to leave our home church. We agonized over that decision for about 6 years before we decided it was time for us to go. It had been my home for 28 years. I was baptized there and married there, and it's the only church my children have known. Words cannot describe this struggle - the doubt, the guilt, the physical toll it has taken on me.
We have been looking for 4 weeks, but it seems like an eternity to me. We have visited two churches so far, but neither one has really felt like home. At the first one we visited we didn't really know anyone. We saw a couple of people we knew, but didn't really feel like anyone noticed us. Not that we're going to be noticed, but it is nice to hear, "I haven't seen you before. Are you new here?" That's probably a downfall of visiting a church with two services on Sunday - no one wants to say that for fear of asking a long-time member if they're new. There is no children's church, so that's a new experience for us (and the kids). The worship is more our style, and the preaching was good, but it felt so foreign to me.
The second church we visited is where the kids go to Awana. We know a lot of people there, and it felt more comfortable. I even had someone I didn't know ask if she'd seen me there before. The worship is a bit slower than we're used to, but the sermons have been good and they have children's church (although our oldest will be too old for it next year. When did that happen?). I'm ready to "settle in", but I know my husband isn't sold yet.
The art of patience is not one that I've mastered. Trying to be patient, to not push my husband, to not rush things is maddeningly difficult. The good news is the nausea and crying that followed our decision have ended. In it's place is a fear that wherever we go, we will be the outsiders, the new people. I guess that's what happens when you've been at a church since you were eight years old.
Our plan is to visit one more church, then decide where to go. I hope that plan doesn't change. I'm ready to get settled, to get connected. I'm ready for my shriveled shell of a soul to be fed, watered. Spending 10 years watching a church slowly die takes its toll on a person. I want to look forward to Sundays again, not to dread them. I know this is probably more an indicator of my own spiritual shortcomings rather than a reflection of any particular church, but I'm so tired. I'm ready to wake up. I'm ready to start again.
