Because I'm a sucker for a giveaway...(part 2)

The Vintage Pearl is doing it again - another giveaway!! I love their jewelry!!

Because I'm a sucker for a giveaway...

...and because I love their jewelry!! Head over to The Vintage Pearl to register for their giveaway. I loooove their jewelry! (Perhaps you've spied my heart and circle necklace with the kids' names on it?). I get an extra entry for blogging it!!http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Update

As some of you have guessed, we finally made the decision to leave our home church. We agonized over that decision for about 6 years before we decided it was time for us to go. It had been my home for 28 years. I was baptized there and married there, and it's the only church my children have known. Words cannot describe this struggle - the doubt, the guilt, the physical toll it has taken on me.

We have been looking for 4 weeks, but it seems like an eternity to me. We have visited two churches so far, but neither one has really felt like home. At the first one we visited we didn't really know anyone. We saw a couple of people we knew, but didn't really feel like anyone noticed us. Not that we're going to be noticed, but it is nice to hear, "I haven't seen you before. Are you new here?" That's probably a downfall of visiting a church with two services on Sunday - no one wants to say that for fear of asking a long-time member if they're new. There is no children's church, so that's a new experience for us (and the kids). The worship is more our style, and the preaching was good, but it felt so foreign to me.

The second church we visited is where the kids go to Awana. We know a lot of people there, and it felt more comfortable. I even had someone I didn't know ask if she'd seen me there before. The worship is a bit slower than we're used to, but the sermons have been good and they have children's church (although our oldest will be too old for it next year. When did that happen?). I'm ready to "settle in", but I know my husband isn't sold yet.

The art of patience is not one that I've mastered. Trying to be patient, to not push my husband, to not rush things is maddeningly difficult. The good news is the nausea and crying that followed our decision have ended. In it's place is a fear that wherever we go, we will be the outsiders, the new people. I guess that's what happens when you've been at a church since you were eight years old.

Our plan is to visit one more church, then decide where to go. I hope that plan doesn't change. I'm ready to get settled, to get connected. I'm ready for my shriveled shell of a soul to be fed, watered. Spending 10 years watching a church slowly die takes its toll on a person. I want to look forward to Sundays again, not to dread them. I know this is probably more an indicator of my own spiritual shortcomings rather than a reflection of any particular church, but I'm so tired. I'm ready to wake up. I'm ready to start again.

Reflection

Some thoughts as we journey forth...

God All Sufficient

Oh Lord of grace,
The world is before me this day
And I am weak and fearful but I look to thee for strength
God all sufficient, God all sufficient

If I venture forth alone
I stumble and I fall
But on the beloved’s arm, I’m a tree standing tall
God all sufficient, God all sufficient

******

Be thou my strength to stand
Be my light to see
My feet to run, my sword to fight
My shield protecting me
God all sufficient

******

Lyrics by Christine Dente

Just when I thought it was better...

Well, I thought the nausea had passed. The teariness, too.

Then today my seven year-old's teacher asked me if she was okay when she came home yesterday. I said she was and asked what happened. Yesterday in music she was sobbing and told her teacher about our decision.

Now the nausea is back - with a vengeance. I know my little girl is a drama queen, but this still hits hard. Really hard.

Aftermath

The past 3 days have been spent vacillating between the desire to cry and the desire to vomit. I feel weak, empty, spent. Prayers are greatly appreciated at this time.

Decisions

Why is it that decisions are so hard to make? You know the reasons, you can talk and rationalize, but when the time comes your resolve falters.

Your heart breaks.

You begin to second-guess and doubt what was so clear before. You know what is best for your family, but you think about others and how your decision affects them.

And you cry.

And you pray.

And you fear. Fear for those left behind. Fear for yourself. Fear the unknown.

And yet, in spite of the fear, there is hope. Hope for what might be. Hope for new life. Hope that the dry, brittle remnant of your soul can be watered.

Renewed.

Restored.

Hope that the tears will cease. Hope that the heart will mend. Hope for joy. And so, with timid steps, you go forward. Praying for guidance. And direction.

I pray these words as we start on this new journey.

Voyage

Oh Lord of the Air
My little plane flies on a restless wind
Grant that Jesus may be
At the wheel to guide me safely in
Let no current divert me
Nor my faith be wrecked with turbulence
Bring me to the gate unscathed

This voyage is long
And the stormy clouds are pitiless
But your word is secure
Grant me grace to fear a little less
For your haven is guaranteed

Each day will bring me nearer home
Your peace just like a river flows
Pour your oil upon my troubled skies
Convert my every care to prayer
Convince my heart you’re really there
And may the world this day be glad that I’m alive

Oh Lord of the air
Thy cross will be upon my radar screen
Though this voyage is long
I will fly this night with hope unseen
Next day will bring me nearer home
Your peace just like a river flows
Pour your oil upon my troubled skies

Convert my every care to prayer
Convince my heart you’re really there
And may the world this day be glad that I'm alive

I’m alive

Oh Lord of the air
My little plane flies on a restless wind
Grant that Jesus may be
At the wheel to guide me safely in
Til I reach the place of endless praise

2010 - Don't let the door hit you on the way out

Where do I begin on my first non-photographic post in over a year? Hmmm...maybe I'll just post a picture and be done with it. ;-)

I cannot tell a lie - I am glad to see 2010 go. It's been a wild ride, baby, and I'd really like to get off the crazy train for a while. It's amazing how much things can change in a year. When I look back to this time last year I'm amazed at how much has changed. A year ago we were having our son tested to find out why he was having so many struggles at school. The end of January held the answer for us: severe dyslexia and severe dysgraphia (a writing-related learning disability often associated with dyslexia). For me, the diagnosis was a relief. I felt like we had been in a raging ocean, treading water and trying desperately to keep our head afloat. I knew we were in trouble, but I didn't know where the shore was. If I swim north am I going toward where I need to go or away from it? For me the diagnosis was like a lighthouse, shining in the darkness, letting me know where I needed to go.

February held many decisions for us. Do we hire a tutor to work with N? That would cost us about $5000 a year for a minimum of 3 years, which wasn't covered by insurance. Would I take the training to work with him, which would cost about $5000 when all was said and done? We took the less expensive path, and in March I took the first 2-week training course in Alphabetic Phonics, an intensive, sequential, multi-sensory language program to remediate dyslexia. The rest of the spring was spent figuring out this curriculum, planning my lessons and teaching them.

Summer was fun. The kids and I went to Atlanta to visit Dwayne's parents, and we all went to South Dakota, Wyoming, and Montana in August. I had never seen Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, or Yellowstone before. We stayed at a dude ranch and the kids got to ride their first horses. They loved it.

The fall brought many changes as a flailing economy, the need to replace one of our cars, and some rather pricey home repairs made it clear that I needed to go back to work. I had done some subbing at a local preschool in the spring, and I was able to get on there when they had a couple of positions open up. I am so blessed to be where I am, but it has been a hard transition for me. This is the first time in my life that I've had to balance work and kids, and frankly I've had a hard time adjusting. Not only am I working every morning, but I go get N early from school three afternoons a week and work with him. Planning his lessons and teaching them is basically another part-time job, and my responsibilities at home are virtually unchanged. Oh, and did I mention that I'm co-president for PTO? And a room mom for one of my kids? All this makes one very full plate. I'm feeling better now that Christmas has passed - maybe I'm starting to get my "sea legs"?

As I type this, glad that 2010 has passed, 2011 weighs on my heart as well. Right now DH and I are struggling with some difficult decisions regarding some of our involvements. We long to know the right decision, but the answers are not clear to us. Two nights ago I sat with my son as he told me through tears that having dyslexia is "horrible" and he "hates it". No pressure on mom the tutor, right? Well, in the midst of these crises, I have this week's lessons to plan. I had better get to work. Maybe I'll have a few more non-photo posts this year. I hope to find balance this year, but it's starting out to be a wild ride, too. I would really like my life to be like yoga - peaceful, quiet, balanced. Too often it's like wild bull riding - just hold on for dear life and pray you don't fall off.

Here's hoping your year is more on the yoga side!

Something hilarious...

I have a friend from college who is a musician on a cruise ship. His facebook status tonight cracked me up and I thought I'd share:


Total "Big Lebowski" moment tonight : While waiting outside for the gig to start, a passenger attempts to covertly throw overboard ashes of a dearly departed loved one (which is very illegal in the first place on a ship). Instead of said remains going into ocean, they fly into the band, covering us with "dead dude". ...Now I've seen it all. Thank you and goodnight.

Enter to win...

at the Paislee Press blog. Blogging about it gives you an extra entry! ;-)

Overheard

A: Mom? Why do we have to finish our dinner before we get a treat?

Me: So you don't finish early for the treat and end up hungry later because you didn't eat enough.

A: When I'm old, I'm not gonna be so mean to my kids.

The one that hit me hard...

Last night I was at the Y when I ran into an old friend. I've known this person for almost 20 years, our social circles merging and separating at various stage of our lives. I hadn't seen him or his wife for a while, so my first question was, "How's your wife?" His response was that she had cheated on him and they were in the middle of a divorce. In those moments it takes a second for that kind of information to sink in. I start off with thinking, "No way! He's gotta be joking!" and quickly follow that with, "No, no one sane would joke about that kind of thing!" I stood there in the YMCA trying to process that his wife, a friend of mine, had done the unthinkable. Now, some of you may know that my own parents are divorced as a result of my father's infidelity, so I have little tolerance for that. As I stood there fighting the tears, listening to my friend tell me what had been going on in his life, I felt the anger rising.

How could she do that after 15 years of marriage?

How could she do that to her children?

Yet, as I thought about the situation for the rest of the evening other thoughts came to me. I have been married 10 years. Five years ago, if you had told her what she would be doing today, what would her reaction have been?

Revolt? Disgust? Denial?

Probably.

Then I wondered, at what point do you cross that line? What boundaries were crossed, little by little, that led to that final plunge? To destroy everything and everyone in your life? To do the unthinkable?

I am reminded of the story of David and Bathsheba. It started innocuously enough - at the time of the year when kings went off to war, David stayed home. Nothing evil. Yes, he wasn't where he should have been, but how serious is that? If I'm typing this blog entry instead of doing laundry, how bad is that, really? Then it progressed. David saw her, bathing on the roof. He had the choice to look away, but he didn't. A little looking won't hurt anything, right? Right? Then he asked about her. Then he sent for her. Then it happened. Then came the cover-up. And finally, the even more unthinkable.

Murder.

As I think about David's spiral into sin, the little, seemingly inconsequential steps, I think about the teachings of a small group leader from several years ago. He was discussing this very incident when he said that God called David a "man after His own heart." If a man after God's own heart was capable of adultery and murder, what are the rest of us capable of?

Now as I think my friend, it is with a little less judgment. I wonder when she will realize exactly what she has done. What she has done to her children (trust me - this will be with them for the rest of their lives). To her husband. To herself. When will she see the shattered shards of her life and realize that she is responsible?

I also think of myself. It's easy to say "No - this will never happen to me!" Maybe I'm starting to realize that no one plans to do this. No one says, "I'm going to take my children's lives and mangle them into an unidentifiable wreckage." I find myself watching.

Watching myself.

What little, seemingly inconsequential steps could I be taking that go even remotely near that path? It only takes one step in the wrong direction.

David simply stayed home when he should have gone out.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled life...

We interrupt this regularly scheduled life to bring you one case of the Swine flu. Well, the doctor said the flu and since the kids have had their regular flu shots, I'm assuming it's the swine flu. Audrey's started the Tamiflu, and we are patiently waiting for the next casualty. At least we don't have to decide whether or not to get the kids vaccinated for H1N1 now...On a side note - as an asthma sufferer the thought of catching this bug make me a leeeetle (ok, a lot) bit nervous. I'd appreciate your prayers right about now.

I'll try to post a Menu Monday, but since I don't even have a menu to post it may not happen until next week. I have a feeling I'll be winging it this week!

The one about my grandmother

These past couple of weeks have been a flurry of craziness for my family. My grandmother decided she wanted to move to a retirement facility. She is, after all, 92 years old. So, the process of moving her began. She had been in the same house for 25 years, so that was a little more involved than the normal move. That, and the fact that she couldn't take everything with her. So, we sorted and packed, family heirlooms were distributed, and the remaining items were left for a moving sale. That sale happened this past weekend.

One day one of my uncles decided to bring my grandmother by for a while. She sat there for a while, and things were fine until *it* sold.

Her stereo.

This thing must have been from the '60's or '70's. It had a receiver and a record player - after all, that's all a stereo would have had back then. I remember that record player. Listening to Scheherezade and Bolero as a child. As it was being sold we looked at my grandmother and she was crying. This stoic woman, whom I had never seen cry before and my mother had only seen cry once or twice, was silently crying. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen. I think it was more that the relinquishing of a beloved item -- it was the relinquishing of part of herself, of her independence. My grandmother is a woman who evokes a myriad of emotions for me. Emotions such as

Frustration - Growing up in the same house as her was not easy. She would hide her favorite measuring cups so we wouldn't use them. After all, they might be dirty when she needed them. She would also count everything. Cups, bowls, plates, spoons, forks, knives...everything was counted regularly. Often life would come to a halt so we cold find a missing spoon. (Did I mention Obsessive Compulsive Disorder runs rampant in our family?)We also had to leave the second church was over. No chatting with friends. I remember that I couldn't wait to be able to move out and use whatever measuring cup I wanted and never, ever count another spoon or plate again. Oh, and the poetry! We had to listen to her poems all the time!

Anger - I remember once when we both had subscriptions to Reader's Digest (yes, I was *that* child who had her own subscription to Reader's Digest...). Her copy was missing so she took mine until we found hers. Turns out it was high up on a piece of furniture, where only she and I could reach, and I (having my own copy) wouldn't have been the one to put it up there. Yet I was responsible for finding it.

Amusement - Growing up in our home, there were two topics you quickly learned to avoid. Sometimes you even went so far as to warn guests to avoid these topics AT ALL COSTS!! They were certain to incite a tirade of words that could continue for some time. What were these taboo topics? Politics? Somewhat. Liberalism was a vehemently hated viewpoint, but it wasn't one of the top two. Religion? World peace? Calvinism vs. Armenianism? Oreo vs. Hydrox? Quilted Northern vs. Scott? No, none of these. The taboo two were: The Kennedy family and the ACLU. I can still hear her at the table, "They called Jackie Kennedy our queen. Well, I have no queen!!"

Admiration - This was a woman who had gone through two divorces, raised three children alone, watched one of them battle alcoholism and the other two go through divorces of their own. This woman had unhesitatingly taken in her daughter and her three young daughters after a divorce. While my mother, at times, worked three jobs and went to school to get her Master's degree, my grandmother took us to school, to piano lessons, to church. She cooked for us (yes, we would have things such as potato soup and vegetable soup - aka "throw-whatever's-in-the-fridge-into-the-pot" - for days on end and to this day I can not stand either of them), and let us all live with her for a lot less than we could have lived on our own. As my uncles had difficult times in their lives she would take them in, too, leading to a very full house at times.


As I watched my grandmother cry over her lost stereo, her lost independence, I felt something new. I felt compassion. Sorrow. For the first time, I saw her frailty. How fragile she has become. This woman who has been a rock in my life (albeit, at times a rock I felt was more in my way than a support) is fading. She will soon be gone. And that fills me with an incredible sadness.

Before the sale, I went to her house a couple of times to help sort and price. That's when I found this:
This mug. Her mug. I can't count how many mornings I wanted her drink her coffee from this. My mother was surprised that she had chosen to place this mug in the sale. Even Nathan knew that this was Grandma's mug. And I knew I had to keep it. With all that was being sold, I couldn't let this go to someone else. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably just another mug. Nothing special or valuable. But to me it is a reminder. It is a reminder of this remarkable woman, an artist and a poet, who could infuriate and inspire, frustrate and frazzle, sacrifice and support. A reminder of what family is. And a reminder of how quickly even the strongest among us can turn frail.

Thank you, Grandma, for always being there.

The one where I should have gone to bed...

The Kiss
Originally uploaded by jen_lancaster

Well, I'm resorting to an old standby when I don't know what to post - I post a picture from my Flickr account. I took this picture at the zoo earlier this month. I'll probably be posting more pictures in a few days. I'm planning on entering the East Wichita News Photography Contest. I need feedback on which pictures to choose. Well, I know at least one of the pictures I'm going to contribute, but I need some help selecting the others. I also need to post pictures of our vacation, and of Audrey's first day of kindergarten.

I feel like I am really struggling with worry right now. I am co-president of the PTO this year and am starting to freak out a little bit that under my co-leadership things will implode into a chaotic and strife-filled mess. No, I don't tend to over-dramatize, why do you ask? N is seriously hating school and has been in a little trouble this week, and I am worried about him and some concerns I have with his academics. I have been having pains in my knuckles and my doctor says I have the beginnings of Heberden's nodes, which is a sign of arthritis. I am wanting to find a Bible study to join and am unsure where to go. I have tried some community-wide ones in the past and have found them to be lacking the personal connection I'd like to find. There are a couple of churches I can try, but I always feel awkward coming in as an outsider. I feel like an intruder. Add some possibly painful decisions that D and I are trying to make regarding some of our involvements, the near-beginning of World War III at the kids' showers tonight, and a healthy (or, more accurately, un-healthy) dose of spiritual apathy on my part and you have a recipe for stress. And worry. And a pointlessly rambling blog entry being made well after I should have gone to bed. I debate whether I should post this or delete it and wonder if being transparent is all that bad. I know I don't do it often enough - not even with myself. Maybe I just feel like I need a little prayer. So I will post this and probably regret it, even though I just discovered how to delete a blog entry after it has been posted (I've been trying to figure out how to do that for some time now...). Maybe I'll leave it, or maybe I'll chicken out tomorrow and delete it.

For now, I'm just going to bed.

The one where I laugh my rear off...(part III)

Sorry for the technical difficulties of the previous post. It published the post with the font the same color as my background. Did you know I have been unable to find a way to delete a blog post? Anyhoo, here's another try...

This is from this site.

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....

---

From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.

Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.

He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.

I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

---

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

The one where I laugh my rear off...(part III)

The one where I laugh my rear off...(part II)

This is posted from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/.

From the same school of thought that brought us the “Seven Legged Spider”, I now present the latest in circular crazy logic. The goal here is to convince the antagonist, in this case the landlord, that you are so crazy as to not be worth their time. And it all began with this seemingly benign letter…

…which then led to this hilarious email exchange:

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

The one where I laugh my rear off...

I am going to post a series of three of the most hilarious things I have ever read. They are from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/. Enjoy!

The one where I try to win a new lens...

OK - here's the deal. Jodi over at MCP Actions Blog is having a giveaway this week. She's giving away a 28-300 mm lens. In order to enter, you have to post a link on your blog to the contest. So, this is my entry (not that I think I'll actually win, but you never know...). Since you're here, you might as well click on the link above and register to win, too!