Because I'm a sucker for a giveaway...

...and because I love their jewelry!! Head over to The Vintage Pearl to register for their giveaway. I loooove their jewelry! (Perhaps you've spied my heart and circle necklace with the kids' names on it?). I get an extra entry for blogging it!!http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Update

As some of you have guessed, we finally made the decision to leave our home church. We agonized over that decision for about 6 years before we decided it was time for us to go. It had been my home for 28 years. I was baptized there and married there, and it's the only church my children have known. Words cannot describe this struggle - the doubt, the guilt, the physical toll it has taken on me.

We have been looking for 4 weeks, but it seems like an eternity to me. We have visited two churches so far, but neither one has really felt like home. At the first one we visited we didn't really know anyone. We saw a couple of people we knew, but didn't really feel like anyone noticed us. Not that we're going to be noticed, but it is nice to hear, "I haven't seen you before. Are you new here?" That's probably a downfall of visiting a church with two services on Sunday - no one wants to say that for fear of asking a long-time member if they're new. There is no children's church, so that's a new experience for us (and the kids). The worship is more our style, and the preaching was good, but it felt so foreign to me.

The second church we visited is where the kids go to Awana. We know a lot of people there, and it felt more comfortable. I even had someone I didn't know ask if she'd seen me there before. The worship is a bit slower than we're used to, but the sermons have been good and they have children's church (although our oldest will be too old for it next year. When did that happen?). I'm ready to "settle in", but I know my husband isn't sold yet.

The art of patience is not one that I've mastered. Trying to be patient, to not push my husband, to not rush things is maddeningly difficult. The good news is the nausea and crying that followed our decision have ended. In it's place is a fear that wherever we go, we will be the outsiders, the new people. I guess that's what happens when you've been at a church since you were eight years old.

Our plan is to visit one more church, then decide where to go. I hope that plan doesn't change. I'm ready to get settled, to get connected. I'm ready for my shriveled shell of a soul to be fed, watered. Spending 10 years watching a church slowly die takes its toll on a person. I want to look forward to Sundays again, not to dread them. I know this is probably more an indicator of my own spiritual shortcomings rather than a reflection of any particular church, but I'm so tired. I'm ready to wake up. I'm ready to start again.

Reflection

Some thoughts as we journey forth...

God All Sufficient

Oh Lord of grace,
The world is before me this day
And I am weak and fearful but I look to thee for strength
God all sufficient, God all sufficient

If I venture forth alone
I stumble and I fall
But on the beloved’s arm, I’m a tree standing tall
God all sufficient, God all sufficient

******

Be thou my strength to stand
Be my light to see
My feet to run, my sword to fight
My shield protecting me
God all sufficient

******

Lyrics by Christine Dente

Just when I thought it was better...

Well, I thought the nausea had passed. The teariness, too.

Then today my seven year-old's teacher asked me if she was okay when she came home yesterday. I said she was and asked what happened. Yesterday in music she was sobbing and told her teacher about our decision.

Now the nausea is back - with a vengeance. I know my little girl is a drama queen, but this still hits hard. Really hard.

Aftermath

The past 3 days have been spent vacillating between the desire to cry and the desire to vomit. I feel weak, empty, spent. Prayers are greatly appreciated at this time.

Decisions

Why is it that decisions are so hard to make? You know the reasons, you can talk and rationalize, but when the time comes your resolve falters.

Your heart breaks.

You begin to second-guess and doubt what was so clear before. You know what is best for your family, but you think about others and how your decision affects them.

And you cry.

And you pray.

And you fear. Fear for those left behind. Fear for yourself. Fear the unknown.

And yet, in spite of the fear, there is hope. Hope for what might be. Hope for new life. Hope that the dry, brittle remnant of your soul can be watered.

Renewed.

Restored.

Hope that the tears will cease. Hope that the heart will mend. Hope for joy. And so, with timid steps, you go forward. Praying for guidance. And direction.

I pray these words as we start on this new journey.

Voyage

Oh Lord of the Air
My little plane flies on a restless wind
Grant that Jesus may be
At the wheel to guide me safely in
Let no current divert me
Nor my faith be wrecked with turbulence
Bring me to the gate unscathed

This voyage is long
And the stormy clouds are pitiless
But your word is secure
Grant me grace to fear a little less
For your haven is guaranteed

Each day will bring me nearer home
Your peace just like a river flows
Pour your oil upon my troubled skies
Convert my every care to prayer
Convince my heart you’re really there
And may the world this day be glad that I’m alive

Oh Lord of the air
Thy cross will be upon my radar screen
Though this voyage is long
I will fly this night with hope unseen
Next day will bring me nearer home
Your peace just like a river flows
Pour your oil upon my troubled skies

Convert my every care to prayer
Convince my heart you’re really there
And may the world this day be glad that I'm alive

I’m alive

Oh Lord of the air
My little plane flies on a restless wind
Grant that Jesus may be
At the wheel to guide me safely in
Til I reach the place of endless praise

323/365 - Early Christmas